whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
