Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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