You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize