the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
