I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
