you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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