I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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