I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
