I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
