Porn is love you can see.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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