I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
