Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
