I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
