Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
