i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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