no, he came in my armpit
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
