Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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