He uses pillows to masturbate.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
