you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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