sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
