Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
