so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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