wanna go halves on a baby?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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