i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
