I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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