just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
