haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
