The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize