No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
