Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
