When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
