Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
