Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
