No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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