if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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