Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
