I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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