I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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