if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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