Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
