Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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