Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize