Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
