So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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