I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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