You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Randomize
