my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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