Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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