think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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