Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Randomize
