Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
