I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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