Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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