non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
