I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
