ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
