I'm going to jail i love you
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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